Guest Post by Priscilla Dempsey (AKA – Laura’s Mom)

When talking with clients about potentially pivoting to donor conception, they sometimes share that they are nervous to share the decision with family for fear that they may struggle to understand. I asked my own mother to share her perspective on when I first told her we were considering egg donation and how she feels now as the grandmother of donor conceived children. Here is what she had to say.

It was New Years Day of 2017 when my daughter shared with me that she was seriously considering egg donation as the next step in her fertility treatments. She had tried several fertility options and had undergone three rounds of IVF without success. She felt that a fourth round would simply be an exercise in futility. The odds of her getting pregnant were abysmal and in her words, she was just wasting precious time.

I knew how determined my daughter and son-in-law were to start a family. I knew that all options were on the table, but now I was learning for the first time that if there was a baby, that child would not share our family’s DNA. The grandchild we were so excited about would not inherit the temperament, personality or facial features of my daughter or anyone in our family.

So, what was my first reaction to this news? Honestly… it was relief. I was relieved that she was not going to put herself through another difficult, anxiety ridden procedure only to have it result in a failure to become pregnant. If those thoughts about DNA went through my mind, they went by so fast I don’t remember having them. What I do remember the most, was thinking that my daughter was greatly increasing her odds of getting pregnant and we would be one giant step closer to having a grandchild.

Related Read: How To Support Someone Struggling With IVF

There is nothing simple about IVF, and donor conception is a complex process, but things seem to go according to plan for my daughter and son-in-law. In December of 2017 a successful embryo transfer resulted in a healthy pregnancy. We were elated! By February, Valentine’s Day to be exact, we learned that the baby was a boy. I was in full blown grandmother mode by this time and was very excited about this little boy.

In full disclosure one of the reasons, I was happy that the baby was a boy was that I thought it would diminish any chance that I would be disappointed the baby did not look like my daughter. I assumed he would look like my son-in-law and that would be fine. As it turned out, it didn’t matter, by the time he arrived I didn’t give any thought to who he looked like, and there were never any feelings of disappointment about anything regarding this little boy.

Related Read: How to Choose An Egg Donor

When he arrived in August of 2018. I got to experience that all-encompassing joy that I had heard so much about. It lived up to all the hype. As I held him in my arms all I could think about was what a gift he was and how very much I loved him. Everything about him was amazing, his tiny little fingers and toes, his delicate facial features, even his little ears. He was a miracle.

There was so much to look forward to, so much to share. There would be all those firsts – first tooth, first steps, first word and special occasions, like his first Christmas, first Easter, first birthday.

Perhaps even better than these major milestones there would be the simple everyday things we would share like bedtime stories, walks to the park or playing in the snow.  It was exciting to think about all the wonderful times that lay ahead. With so many chances to bring happiness and laughter to this baby’s world, with such a wealth of important things to share it was of no consequence that we did not share genetic material.  We would comfort him, support him and love him unconditionally.  This little boy would be a source of immeasurable joy for us, not because we shared DNA, but because we had been given a wonderful gift that we would cherish forever.

Related Read: Talking To Children About Donor Conception

Three years later we welcomed another grandchild. It would be double the fun but with a little twist, this time it was a girl! Never once did I think about who she would look like. Those thoughts were long gone. She would be beautiful, of that I was sure.  I had a grandson and a granddaughter and that, in my opinion, is as good as it gets.

My grandson is now five and my granddaughter is two. As I have watched them grow and develop their own personalities, I have seen the nurture effect become more evident. I didn’t give nearly enough credit to the role nurturing would play in influencing their personalities. They may not have my daughter’s blue eyes, but they certainly have her love of books. They revel in a good story and they get that from my daughter. She has read to them since they were newborns. They have listened to their favorite stories so often that my grandson has memorized the text word for word. He gets that from his mom. They adore music and are not hesitant to get up and dance when the rhythm moves them, they get that from their mom. My granddaughter cuddles and comforts her baby dolls. She hugs and kisses them; she is a loving care giver just like my daughter. I delight in seeing my daughter reflected in these bright, happy children, it brings joy to my heart. Does it make the bond we have with them any stronger, no. Does it make us love them more, no, it’s just a wonderful bonus.

Being the grandmother of an egg donor conceived baby is, well it’s just being a grandmother, which for me means that it is one of the greatest pleasures that life has ever afforded me.

Building a family with donor conception is a beautiful option but some of the complex logistics, emotions, and decisions can be intimidating. Working with a coach to support you as you navigate the process can build comfort and clarity so you can manage those big feelings and decisions with confidence. Learn about my Private Coaching Program here.

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