The Emotional Pivot To Donor Conception

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I suspected that the conversation would soon go this way.  I was in my 40’s, the treatments we had previously tried were unsuccessful, and I had just finished my third egg retrieval round resulting in 1 egg.  None of the medications we tried for IVF worked for me and my low ovarian reserve.  The doctor was compassionate but realistic.  I was not responding to the stimulation medication.  It didn’t mean I couldn’t get pregnant, but IVF likely would not be my answer – at least not with my own eggs. 

I had options, lots of options actually.  We could try again.  We could try on our own while continuing to focus on egg quality with diet, supplements, and acupuncture.  We could consider adoption or just taking a break and seeing where life takes us.  Or, we could pursue finding an egg donor. 

I weighed all these possibilities and had meaningful conversations with my husband about what made the most sense for us, but once I said it out loud it was crystal clear that this was how we were going to get our family.  It didn’t happen overnight, but when we settled on the plan many of the decisions became easier and we were able to move forward with confidence knowing it was the right path. 

I’m often asked by my clients…how did you get there?  How do you get to a place where you stop feeling sad about not using your own eggs and pivot to a place where you feel good about donor conception.  Here is what I share…

Take The Time To Respect Your Grief

It’s very difficult to hear that using a donor is likely your best chance of pregnancy success.  It’s important to take the time to process the grief that your own genetic material may not be passed down to your child.  Processing these complicated feelings and respecting the pain you may be experiencing is important while moving ahead with donor conception.  Remember, you can feel various emotions at the same time.  You can be sad that you need a donor while feeling hopeful that this path will lead to your family. 

Communicate As A Team

Choosing to pursue donor conception is a big decision, so when building a family with a partner communication is crucial.  If it’s hard to talk about, consider journaling or jotting down your thoughts ahead of time and then sharing what you have written.  Identify the time as a safe space for you both to be honest and ask questions without judgement.  A final decision doesn’t need to happen in one conversation and respect that your partner may need more time to work through any difficult feelings they are experiencing.  If these conversations remain challenging, consider working with a counselor coach who can help you communicate more effectively.

Related Read: Connecting With Your Partner Through Fertility Struggles

Ask For Help

Sometimes, we need support to work through a big decision such as choosing donor conception.  There is no shame in working with a therapist, counselor, or coach to ask you the right questions and be able to guide you through some challenging choices. Connecting with someone that has experienced a similar journey and can relate to your complicated feelings often allows you to unravel some complicated feelings and talk a bit more freely, knowing they understand on a closer level.

Related Read: What is it like to work with a coach?

Be Patient With Yourself

After everything you have been through to get to this place you may be tired of waiting and just want to move on as quickly as possible, but I encourage you to be patient and sit with the decision for a while before moving forward.  Some families like hearing a second opinion, or maybe you need to do one more cycle with your own eggs to be sure it’s the right time.  Acknowledge your true feelings as well as your partner’s and do any and all work necessary to be fully ready to take this next step, it’s not a decision to be rushed.

Feel Strong In Your Decision

This is a big decision.  The pivot to donor conception is not just a new path to parenthood, it’s a choice that affects your family, especially the children you will ideally conceive.  You will want to feel 100% confident that this is the right decision for you and your family.  You will be ready to shift your focus from treatment with your own genetic material to searching for the most appropriate donor.  You will begin crafting the way you will share your child’s story with them in a way that shows them how you support any questions or curiosities they have about their identity.  You will be able to do all of this because of your confidence in this decision and it will feel right.

Related Read: Talking To Children About Donor Conception

Shifting to donor conception happens differently for everyone so it’s important to find your own path that you are most comfortable with.  Working with a fertility counselor, therapist or coach can be highly effective in working your way through these steps and processing your complicated feelings in a healthy way. 

If you are planning for an upcoming IVF or fertility treatment cycle, be sure to download Your Ultimate IVF Checklist.

For personal support, contact me to learn more about One on One Private Coaching – my most effective program for helping your navigate your fertility journey with clarity and confidence. 

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