10 Things I Wish I Knew Before Using An Egg Donor

Deciding to build your family through donor conception is not something anyone plans for,but for many of us, it becomes the most loving, courageous choice we can make.

After three unsuccessful rounds of IVF with my own eggs, I found myself at that exact crossroads. It was a difficult concept to wrap my head around at first, and I had so many questions:

How was I going to feel conceiving a child with another woman’s genetics?
Who would my children look like?
Can we afford it?
Would I be resentful of my donor?
How would I communicate this complicated story to our children?

These were all valid concerns, but we wanted a baby. So, we worked through our questions and found support to help us feel ready for the next step.

I educated myself as much as possible by meeting with my clinic, reading blog posts, speaking with other parents of donor-conceived children, and exploring our options with donor agencies. When it was finally time to move forward with donor egg IVF, I felt well-versed in the logistics and prepared for the process ahead.

Now that I’m a mother to two beautiful children, both conceived through donor egg IVF, I look back and realize there was so much I didn’t know, things only my children could teach me.

Here are the 10 things I wish I had known before using an egg donor.

1. My genetics aren’t that important to me

I thought this was going to be a bigger loss for me, but it seldom crosses my mind. The connection I feel with my children has nothing to do with DNA. The genetic material they received from our donor is part of what makes them their incredible, unique selves, and I wouldn’t change a thing.

2. I felt a deep connection to my unknown donor

From the very beginning, I felt a strong emotional connection to our donor. I thought about her constantly while she was taking her cycle medications, and I asked the coordinator to let her know how thankful I was.

Years later, I still think of her every day with gratitude. While she chose to remain anonymous, I’ve been able to send updates and appreciation through our agency. If my children choose to connect with her one day, they’ll have that option.

Related Read: How To Choose Your Egg Donor

3. I see myself in my children

Even without a genetic link, I see myself reflected in my kids every day. When we chose our donor, I prioritized blue eyes so they might resemble me. But while they both have their dad’s brown eyes, they carry so many parts of me in their personalities—like their love of reading, their kindness, their laugh. People often say they look just like me.

4. There are no guarantees

Donor conception increased our chances significantly, but it wasn’t a promise. We still experienced painful losses along the way. It was a reminder that even when you take the next hopeful step, there’s still uncertainty. All we could do was trust and try again.

5. It was expensive, but there was help

We were incredibly fortunate to have fertility insurance that covered medications and embryo transfers. But the out-of-pocket costs for our donor cycle were still overwhelming. Thankfully, our clinic helped us identify medication discounts and walked us through the financial planning process.

6. Sharing their story with them isn’t scary—it’s wonderful

I was worried that explaining donor conception to my children might be awkward or complicated. Instead, it has become one of the most beautiful parts of our story. We read age-appropriate books together, which has helped open up conversations and normalize their journey from the very beginning.

7. I’m not sad I had to use a donor

When people hear our story, they often respond with, “I’m so sorry.” And I understand that—it was a hard road. But I’m not sorry anymore. My children are exactly who they’re meant to be, and it took the combination of me, my husband, and our donor to bring them into the world.

8. I’ve never been judged (as far as I know)

In the early days, I hesitated to share our story publicly. I worried about judgment or misunderstanding. But since choosing to be open about our path, I’ve received nothing but love and support. The more we share, the more we help others feel less alone.

9. My journey changed my life in ways I never expected

Of course I knew motherhood would change me—but I never anticipated that this path would lead me to help others. Becoming a fertility coach and supporting women through IVF and donor conception has been one of the most meaningful outcomes of my journey. I feel incredibly lucky to do this work.

10. DNA or not, I am the best mom for my kids

When I’m holding them, teaching them, wiping their tears, kissing their boo-boos, and cheering them on—I’m not thinking about DNA. I’m their one and only mommy, and that’s what matters most.

Considering donor conception and feeling overwhelmed? You’re not alone.

If you’re exploring egg donation or trying to navigate the emotional rollercoaster of IVF, I would love to support you.

Let’s talk. Schedule a free consult call here and follow @positive.fertility on Instagram for daily support and inspiration.