After three unsuccessful rounds of IVF with my own eggs it was time to consider donor conception as our path to build our family. It was a difficult concept to wrap my head around at first, and I had so many questions.

How was I going to feel conceiving a child with another woman’s genetics? 
Who would my children look like? 
Can we afford it? 
Would I be resentful of my donor? 
How would I communicate this complicated story to our children?

These were all valid concerns, but we wanted a baby, so we worked through all our questions and found support to answer them in order to be ready for the next step.

I educated myself as much as possible by meeting with my clinic, reading blog posts, speaking with parents of donor conceived children, and going over all our options with donor agencies.

When it was finally time to move forward with donor egg IVF, I felt well versed in the logistics and prepared for next steps.

Now that I am a mother to two children, both conceived through donor egg IVF, I look back and realize there was so much I didn’t know and only my children could teach me. 

1. My genetics aren’t that important to me
   I thought this was going to be a bigger loss for me, but it seldom crosses my mind. The connection I feel with my children has nothing to do with DNA or genetics that I might have passed down. Furthermore, the DNA my children received from our donor makes them the special and unique people they are.

2. I felt a deep connection to my unknown donor
   From the beginning, I felt a strong connection to my donor.  I worried about her when she was taking the necessary cycle medications and constantly asked our coordinator to let her know I was thinking of her and so grateful.  Years later I still think of her every day with gratitude.  Our donor chose to be unknown, but I have been able to contact her through our donor agency to share updates on the children and share my appreciation. The children will have the option to connect with her as well if they choose.

   Related Read: How To Choose Your Egg Donor

3. I see myself in my children
   Although we don’t share DNA, I see so much of myself in my son and daughter.  When choosing a donor, it was very important to me that she have blue eyes, so there was a chance my babies would have blue eyes and resemble me.  Both of my children have brown eyes like their father, but in their laughs, their love of reading, and their compassionate nature (among so many other qualities), I see myself.  People tell me all the time that they look just like me.

4. There are no guarantees
   Egg donation is a beautiful option for women who are not able to use their own eggs and increases the odds of conceiving significantly, but there are no guarantees.  Taking the financial and emotional risk of donor conception is scary when it’s impossible to accurately predict the outcome. I am incredibly fortunate to have two children thanks to our donor cycle but along the way we suffered some painful losses that I didn’t anticipate.  It was a reminder that we weren’t promised the outcome we longed for and we could only hope for the best. 

   Related Read: Strategies for Processing Pregnancy Loss

5. It was expensive, but there was help
   We were fortunate enough to have excellent fertility benefits which covered my medications and embryo transfers but often the out-of-pocket expenses were overwhelming.  We worked closely with our clinic who helped to identify medication discounts for our donor and counseled us through the additional expenses. 

6. Sharing their conception story with my children isn’t scary, it’s wonderful
   My children love reading books that reflect their unique story. Books have been an age approprite and fun way to inspire their questions about their conception. I started out concerned that talking to them about their donor conception might be awkward, but instead it’s an opportunity to show them how proud I am of how we built our family.

   I’m not sad I had to use a donor
   Often, when I tell my story and explain that I wasn’t able to have a baby with my own eggs, the listener will say something like “I’m so sorry.”  It’s a natural response.  It was sad and difficult when I was going through it, but now that my children are here, I realize that they wouldn’t be who they are with any other circumstance.  It took the combination of the three of us (me, my husband, and our donor) to create these children and they are such a gift. 

7. I’ve never been judged (as far as I know)
   In the beginning, I was very nervous to share our decision to use a donor.  I was confident that we made the right decision for our family, but I also wanted to protect myself from anyone who potentially didn’t understand or questioned our method of creating a family – I would be naïve to think they weren’t out there.  I have chosen to be very open and honest about our story in order to support other families who are navigating IVF and donor conception. I’m very proud to say that we have received nothing but positive and supportive comments.
   
   Related Read: POV – Grandmother to Donor Conceived Children

8. My journey would change my life in the most unexpected way
   I knew my life would change when I became a mom, regardless of how my children were conceived.  What I never could have anticipated was that I would turn my experience into a mission to help other women struggling to get pregnant.  How lucky I am to not only be a success story but to have the opportunity to use everything I learned along the way to coach other woman toward their own success. 

   Related Read: Pivoting To The Decision To Use A Donor

9. DNA or not, I am the best mom for my kids.
   When I am holding them, teaching them, wiping their tears, noses, and bums; when we are holding hands, when I am kissing boo boos, consoling a loss, or celebrating a win…it’s not about DNA.  I’m their one and only mommy.

If you are feeling overwhelmed, stressed or lonely while trying to get pregnant, managing IVF, or considering donor conception… let’s talk.

I would love to help you navigate this challenging road and make the journey more positive.  Schedule a consult call and follow Positive Fertility on Instagram for daily support and inspiration!