The trauma of pregnancy loss is complicated.  The grief is profoundly painful but unique to the experience of mourning the life of a loved one you have known in a more traditional sense.  If the loss is early in a pregnancy, a woman may have not shared with others that she was pregnant and not want to burden others with her pain.  It’s common for someone who has lost a pregnancy to isolate in her grief, ignore her pain, and pressure herself to move on without properly processing grief.

Sadly, pregnancy loss in the first 12 weeks is not uncommon.  About 10-15% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage and the loss can be traumatic and complex.  Each woman, or couple, who experiences the pain of pregnancy loss will grieve differently but working through that grief is important.  In this post I share some ways to process that grief in a healthy way to move toward healing. 

Related Read: They Were My Babies, a personal essay on loss

Express your feelings

Finding a safe space to talk through what you are feeling without reservation can be beautifully validating and therapeutic in this time.  This could be with a partner, a therapist or coach, or a support group.  Vocalizing our feelings can be an outlet for expressing difficult emotions and an important part of healing. Another outlet for these difficult emotions could be journaling to express your thoughts in writing.

Don’t move on before you are ready

If you have been planning for this pregnancy, you may be in a hurry to try again, but it’s important to work with your doctor to know if your body is physically ready for another pregnancy.  Only you can know if you are emotionally ready for another pregnancy so give yourself time and avoid any pressure to try again quickly.  Healing will be a constant work in progress so allow yourself patience and understanding that it could take some time. 

Related Read: Managing Anxiety With Pregnancy After Loss

Understand the loss is not your fault

Over half of pregnancy losses are caused when the embryo develops the wrong number of chromosomes. The embryo will often stop developing within the first trimester. Even with these facts women often place blame on themselves.  Continue to remind yourself through affirmations, journaling and meditation that you are not responsible for this loss and the experience does not define your worth. 

Have faith in your future

While the baby you lost can never be replaced, it is possible you can go on to have a healthy pregnancy.  Only about 1 in 100 women will have recurring miscarriages. When the time is right and you feel physically and emotionally ready to try again, the odds are good that you will succeed.

Remember that you are not alone

Pregnancy loss can be a very lonely grief but support groups (both in person and online) are available to talk with others that have also experienced similar trauma.  It can be helpful to many women to share their similar feelings.  A sense of community is often very comforting. 

Prioritize your physical wellness

After loss, there could be physical impact such as bleeding, abdominal cramps, headaches, and breast soreness.  It’s important to take care of yourself by drinking lots of water, resting your body and abstaining from rigorous exercise to give your body an opportunity to heal properly. Communicate with your doctor about any physical symptoms and how they can be managed.

How can you help someone who has suffered a loss?

If someone you care for has experienced a loss, there are ways to offer comfort and support.  Remember, everyone experiences this pain differently and it may take time for them to know what they need to heal. 

• • Tell them that you are there for them and want to be supportive.  It may be difficult for your loved one to talk about the pain they have experienced but they will appreciate knowing that you are there for them.
  • Remind them it is not their fault.  Many women who suffer a pregnancy loss experience significant guilt.  They may know in their head that the loss was not their fault but in their heart they may feel shame.  Hearing the words that they are not to blame is helpful in working through this difficult emotion. 
  • Allow them to talk through their feelings and simply listen.  You may be tempted to offer advice or suggestions on how to grieve but unless they ask for that, just listen. 
  • Validate their feelings – A pregnancy loss is complicated and emotionally messy.  A woman processing the complex feelings may just need validation in her sadness and pain.  Recognize how difficult this is for them and that they aren’t just mourning their pregnancy but all their hopes and dreams they had for their child. 

Related Read: Connecting With Your Partner While Trying to Conceive

What not to say:

• • Don’t say anything that starts with ‘At least…’
  • Don’t ask when they plan to try again
  • Don’t suggest everything happens for a reason
  • Don’t suggest they rush their recovery

The pain and grief of pregnancy loss or struggle to get pregnant is real and valid. If you are looking for guidance while navigating your fertility journey, let’s talk. Set up your free first call today and be sure to follow Positive Fertility on Instagram for daily support and inspiration.